Mid-April thoughts, 2020
This isn’t easy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my friend Bianca said to me the other day:
“Now even more so than ever, we need a little compassion and care. We’re all going through something really difficult right now, we’re not all doing ‘fine.’ We’re all worried about something.”
And it’s true.
So far, I’ve been fortunate in many, many, many regards as it relates to the current global public health crisis. Still, I’ve been worried about all sorts of things. I worry about the health and safety of loved ones near and far. I worry about how this pandemic is impacting life in wildly unexpected ways. And I quietly wonder how we as a society might come out of this, someday.
It’s the little things, too.
☾I’m a planner. I get a sense of control and comfort from penciling in the miscellaneous details for each day in my calendar and booking life plans far in advance. Plans have come to mean very little in 2020.
☾Staying true to my Korean heritage and its most prominent stereotype, I can get rather rash and impatient – once I have an idea, I need to get it rolling ASAP. Needless to say, I’ve had to majorly curb my expectations.
☾I had gotten into a workout routine at the gym that I started enjoying a lot. While it’s incredible to see all these great home workout videos, it has not seamlessly translated into a perfect new routine for me.
☾I normally start my morning commute by listening to my favourite news podcasts. I no longer tune into my news sources first thing in the morning. There’s only so many days in a row that you’d want to start by hearing about the rising death tolls and a recession that is no longer looming but is very much here on a historic-kind-of scale. (I must add: we absolutely need to continue to support good journalism!)
☾I like to hug, clink wine glasses, meet for coffee, and have a shoulder to cry on. All of these have become things that I now know never, ever, to take for granted.
And yet,
☾When someone believes in you far more than you believe in yourself, it pushes you closer to your crazy ideas and dreams in ways that determination alone never can. It’s the kind of thing money never can buy. And I feel rich.
☾In her memoir Dance Me to the End, Alison Acheson writes:
“Know happy, recognize it, memorize the feeling, sink it
into our bones
articulate, “this is happy”
I started the year with this book, feeling a sense of gratitude and of appreciation for the present. And in these turbulent times, I find it somewhat easier to recognize my happy. What it is in my life that sustains me, and what’s background noise.
☾My parents and grandparents pray for me every. single. day, as they have been since before I was born – that I may have God’s protection, wisdom, grace, and peace. Thousands of miles away, I feel their love.
☾It’s stunning out. Wildflowers have covered Vanier Park, and there’s a surreal sense of calm here. What possibly could be a cheesier metaphor for resilience than wildflowers?
But sometimes, a cliché will do. If the wildflowers are what it takes for me to find resilience and calm, so be it.
Stay strong. Be kind. Hold on to your happy.
Love,
Sarah
